If I were for a guy it wouldn't be much that i would care about him...

all I would ask is that he..

hold me and not tell me to stop crying, just because he is comfortable, but be kind and be there...

to be by my side always, but not literally...

tell me he loves me when he see a pretty girl to reassure me that he loved me more than he would ever love that girl...

to hold me and kiss when am in pain...

to tell me am pretty me, when am depressed feel ugly...

to be understanding...

to be gentle, yet not think am going to fall apart when he does something...

never compare to anyone...

never give up on me, when I ask for explainations...

to always keep his promises

to respect me...

to care about me...

to hang out with their friends...

don't try to impress me...

relax and have fun with me..

and to be my best friend, even if it doesn't work out..

ALWAYS love me thru the tough times.

Okay, enough of that... so I write in my journal, but my life okay. please go thru the entries and read them... It would please me alot.. most are written like a peom or short story. I never have a pre made copy of this stuff it is free hand at the moment stuff, but I summon up forgotten feelings to write them. so some of the stuff may be old events in my life that I will never forget...

something about me, is that am caring and observate... so yes am keeping an eye on you and everything your doing, for my benfit or your own...

am not a stalker, I won't take pictures of you in the shower and sell them on e-bay... but am cunning always thinking a head, which is why i problems in the present at times... am very thoughful...

loyal to my friends, and am not kidding am loyal as in I will jump in front of a bullet to save you and if I make a promise it is until i die or it's complete, there is no nulling it, there is not time limit...

am smart..

am very affectionate, mostly because I yern to be loved some much that am dying, a hug is a drug to me, I can't live without them...

I can be jeaslious, evnious, lustful, and desire revenage, but I hold back that, along with my opions and assumations, which is why I ask you question I may already know the answer too...

ask me a question and I won't lie, bond by a promise I made to an old friend... if I don't answer I wish not to lie or do not know the answer.

I don't really enjoy politics... war is war... gay marriage go ahead I don't care... abosortion is fine leave it be... death pently what ever, their going to die one day anyway...

I can fall into depression easily due to lose of love and heart break... am bitter at times... spiteful when the need is dier...

I am sarcastic, thanks to my father... clumsy thanks to my mother... polite and strict on my manners...

all in all... am a good person... i will tell more about me as we go... and hopefully you'll read my journal entries... thank you.

I don't care whether you are there or not.
I loved you, but you don't
he does, but he doesn't show it
I cared about him, but him didn't see me that way

because you won't know what i have done.
cry
wished
seen death
watched you in the shadows
waitted
loving to all
understanding
lost
fallen
died

I don't see what she has that I don't.
bright smile
smooth figure
quiet position
sweet laughter
retardness
sexually easy
opposite of me
darker look
innocent at times
flexable
no personallity
cares more for friends than you
obessed
possive
no competion, except me....

*sigh*
no love
no heart
no emotion
no yelling
no lying
no anger
no life
...only despair, depression, and ...death... want you've all left me with.

I raise my head with dull eyes as time pass me by....
my heart non-existent..... My memory haunting me .....
'you know not what has happened....'
my head aches as my love drains out of my body....
....caluating and cold my aura has become.... hurt is beyond what i feel...
words ecoh within my mind.... your words that you spoke to me along time ago in a dream far away... you said that you'd never leave my side...
you said you loved me... It was a lie so deep it cutted me...
you said you had nightmares of me leaving you... but you left me... I never thought it could happen...
you didn't love me... or did you... that is the question... the trouble you left me in was beyond me self...

....I was saved by an angel in dark leathered wings and blond curly hair...
He held me.. kissed me.... touched me....
...I thought he loved me... I fell head over heels for him.. .trapped in his lies...
my tears dry from the last time I spoke of you....
...my heart broken once more....

these memories... so fresh and painful....
... i watch as my friends pair off into group, while I am left on the side on the ground crying.. dying in side...... you did this to me.... both of you.... but mostly you....
I blame my self for I do not know what i did wrong....

oh the pain and suffering i've been through.. you don't even know how much or even what has happened... you don't care either....

....i cried your name when i felt scared.... i yelled it when i was in danger.... yet you never came.... have I really been that bad that you hate me... that you don't want anything to do with me....

I remember the words you said that night.... ever single word by heart... you don't even realize that this for you... you won't ever read it either... you said the pain would go away... you said I would stop caring... i wish that were true.... oh how i wish it were true....

Am trapped within my mind.... I know no man will love me... because if you couldn't no one could... I don't even know what i did... so I assume it was everything... from my face to my behavior... I hate the life I was left with... I wish for the open space of our hide a ways... I want to speak to you... but it will never happen.. I will die alone and heart broken.... so I stay apathetic til that day comes...

To:
My friends...
M.F.
T.J.T.
J.S.

This Dragon... This darkness in my soul...

this darkness has consumed me in the height of my despair...

....Blood falls to the ground in my dreams as the fog sets in to my mind...
I glare at the world as my hands grasp the pain in my heart...

my emotions crying.... a scythe in one hand and a note book in the other.... the pages filled with your thoughts... and everyone close to me...

Ignored in my light... My allies behind me with the devil and hell frozen at my hand and the world sent to heaven... I stand on this rock of lava and misery with a smirk....

' I've become the master of my own fate this is the way it should be, no god in power or ruler, but just me and my friends talking and living for what we want, nothing else....' the flash of my green eyes in your direaction.

'If you avoid me and ingore me I will win no matter what.... the heart and angel you broke trice, will rise from the pieces and show you that this world is controled by no one, but me.... this blood is your chose... peace or war... I will win... hate or love... i will over come! For I am ME! and No one controls me!! and I always win! even when it seems like i loss....' smirks as the icy wind whips around the group. ' Victory is how you look at it....'


-written free hand and for everyone to read....